I’m a student of Access Consciousness and one of the many topics they teach about is relationships. Because we just celebrated (or loathed, depending on your point of view) Valentine’s Day, this is topic has been on my mind. My parents had a pretty rocky relationship and were married to and divorced from each other twice. I didn’t have a great example of how to do relationships.

For many years I created a lot of chaos and turbulence in my own marriage. Now I know that I was mimicking my parents’ relationship. For the most part I consciously went into my marriage 15 years ago. I had a list of things that were important to me and I couldn’t live without. And he met all of those things. I have a pretty good husband – he is an awesome co-parent, he does laundry, cooks, provides for our family, he’s supportive of what I want to do, etc.  So why did I create so much upset?

According to Access Consciousness, the 3 elements of a good relationship are (these things are reciprocal):

  1. The person is good in bed
  2. They provide money
  3. They allow you to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it; and you allow them the same.

And then there are the five elements of intimacy:

  • Trust
  • Honor
  • Vulnerability
  • Allowance
  • Gratitude

My relationship has all of those things most of the time. Sometimes the 5 elements of intimacy fluctuate a bit, but they do exist for us. So why, every 6 months or so do I create these upsets (aka fights), and then start thinking about divorce afterwards? I’ve been asking a lot of questions. And getting a lot of answers.

Erika & Myke - by Aleshia Jex Simpson

First, I realized I have mimicked my parents’ pattern (as I mentioned above) of getting in a fight and separating every 6 months or so during their 2nd marriage. My husband and I haven’t ever separated, but the thoughts are there.  So I’ve been doing a lot of clearing to destroy & uncreate that.

Second, I had the awareness of how much change and adventure I create. My husband is a very consistent and predictable guy, which I can get bored with. I lead with change and/or adventure and he follows. I also crave growth and expansion and he doesn’t so much. I have struggled for many years because I like to take classes and learn new things. I strive for consciousness. I have had huge fears about outgrowing him and leaving him behind because he doesn’t want this stuff too. As I’ve been looking at the situation, I have realized how I must make the guy’s head spin because I can change gears on a dime. He is in total allowance of me doing this. And eventually, he catches up. He always has. Because I have been asking lots of questions and doing lots of clearing, I have the awareness that I can go out and create adventure on my own without having to drag him along. He has things he’s interested in and passionate about and he can do the same.

About eight months ago I learned that I could energetically destroy & uncreate our relationship. We change daily. Our relationship is constantly different because of how we show up, yet we are subconsciously expecting our mate to show up as they did the day before. When there is tension or conflict I will look at him and say “can we destroy & uncreate our relationship from now back to the beginning of time?” He finds this hilarious and is willing to go along with it. Then I do some energetic clearing. The magic ensues.

I also learned at that time, that I can ask the “glass ceiling” of where our relationship is to raise. As I go out into the world and achieve growth and more consciousness, I expand, and therefore our relationship needs more room to expand. So I simply ask the glass ceiling to raise.

I was recently listening to my mentors, Suzanne Stauffer and Megan Sillito, on their Weird on the Air radio program where they were discussing relationships. They posed some questions to ask when you are struggling in relationship and trying to decide to leave or stay:

  • Are you in reaction making this choice or are you at peace? What truly feels light/heavy here?
  • Is there a genuine and deep love here?
  • Is each person willing to take 100% accountability and do whatever it takes to change in the way they know is true and required?
  • Are your core values aligned? Is your partner in allowance with the things you deeply care about?
  • Together, is there a synergy? Do you have the ability to create 10x, or more, greater together than apart?

When I ask these questions, with my husband in mind, I actually feel lighter and more excited about staying in the relationship. For now I know we have a good thing going and are both a huge contribution to the other’s life. And my gratitude for him grows.

I invite you to use some of these tools to contribute to the quality of your relationships now, and in the future.