This article was written on June 21, 2011. I was a little too raw at the time to post it then, but I’m okay with it now. Ironically, we’re approaching the Autumn Equinox in just a few days. My baby was only a month old when it was written. She is now 4 months. I hope you enjoy my tender little discovery.
Today is Summer Solstice. I just realized this when I typed the date. Interesting because today has been so emotional. Aleah would not take a nap. She was almost out at one point and my 4 year old son went in to talk into the Baby Monitor because he thinks its fun… and woke her up. We went to run an errand and she finally fell asleep in the car but when I brought her into the house and sat her car seat on my bed she woke up within 5 minutes. I have been so frustrated with her sleeping patterns. Angry. Pissed off. I have so many things I want to do around the house/yard and with my business. And I can’t because she isn’t cooperating and doing things MY way. I picked her up out of the car seat. She wanted to be fed again but it had only been an hour since the previous feeding. She just wants to nurse so she can go to sleep. Instead, I held her, rocked her and bounced her back to sleep. I decided to just hold her. She slept in my arms for 2 ½ hours as my bum went numb in the rocking chair. My emotions rollercoastered. I was angry. Then I was sad. Then guilty for feeling mad at my innocent, sweet baby. I cried. I sobbed. I had a pity party. Why me? Why won’t things go MY way? I really need this kid to get on a schedule and allow me to get some things done. I didn’t ask for this. She flung herself upon me.
My higher self whispered “get into gratitude.” Oh yeah, gratitude. I haven’t thought about you in a while. I’ve been too sleep deprived. I’m grateful I get to rock this bundle of love, my sweet baby. As she lies on my chest I get to smell her. Feel her hair tickle my nose. This is my last baby. I’m grateful I have her. I’m grateful for my other 2 kids and all of their help. They love doing things for me and the baby. Overall they’ve been amazing since Aleah was born, even though I feel I’ve neglected them somewhat. I’m grateful that the money always shows up when we need it. The kids have always had food in their bellies. Bills have always been paid. Everything has seemed to work out even when I felt hopeless that it would.
Feeling better about today. Seeing Aleah’s inability to nap as a gift. I’ve been trying to force her to do things my way. Her little belly hurting and her crazy sleeping pattern. Taking her to a baby chiropractor to cure her into doing things my way. Starting to feel blessed that I had the opportunity to hold her for 2 ½ hours today. Being able to bond with her in this way strengthens us. It touches my soul. Tears are flowing as I realize this gift.
At 4pm I had to shower and get ready for our mom/baby massage class. Aleah slept in her bouncy seat as the sound of the water and fan lulled her. We arrived at the class at 6:30 and soon after it started Aleah wanted to be fed. Typical. Afterward we sat on our yoga mat and I tried to catch up to the things the instructor was teaching. I lovingly rubbed my hands over my baby’s body. She relaxed and became so aware and alert at the surroundings: other babies making noise, the dim lights, my touch. She was happy and content. So was I. Talking with the other moms. Sharing baby advice and our experiences with everything. One mom asked me if I work and what I do. I told her “emotional healing work.” Her face looked relieved and she asked for my info. I gave her a business card. She needed to talk and shared a little of her experience that she was having with some family members. She has to go back to work and is worried about leaving her baby with a sitter and feels trapped. There are some issues she wants to work through and would like to do a session with me. She’s a massage therapist. My back is killing me so I offered that we could do a trade. She was excited about that. Abundance. It’s everywhere but doesn’t always show up looking like money. I stayed late and talked to the instructor. She has a passion for working with moms and babies. I enjoy her.
Driving home I felt happy. Peaceful. Content. I needed this class to get me back to this place. As I rocked my baby to sleep tonight, I gladly held her and loved her. I cried. I remembered all the hours I spent in my rocking chair with my other two babies. Those first few months were difficult with them as well. I gave them the time and love that they needed while sitting in that rocking chair. They deserved it. So does Aleah. I needed this day, as painful as it may have been, to remind me to trust. I will always be provided for, protected and loved. My job is simply to remember that.